PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?