PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
You Might Also Like
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Banana is the quietest snack
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator