PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
There’s only one good girl here!
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.