“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off