Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.


Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.


I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.


Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is


If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.


King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs


I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.


*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*



[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what