Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!