@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

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@OneFunnyMummy

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

@leechee420

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

@graceupongracie

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

@GrowlyGrego

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

@junejuly12

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

@NrouteHQ

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

@lynyrdsbackyard

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

@RidiculousDak

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what