@jonnysun

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

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@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

@MikeHeraly

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

@Laser_Cat

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

@truegritrumble

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

@1evilidiot

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

@HomeProbably

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

@YayForJam

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

@amburgklur

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

@knot_eye

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

@EvanJKessler

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.