PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
TRAIN’S HERE
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon