PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
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This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I identify as an antique shop.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING