
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.