PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
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My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Lassie, get help!
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.