Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
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This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
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Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges