Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
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My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Weirdos gonna weird.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
asked my bf how work was today
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
my fav colour is also hitler
why I oughta