Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
congratulations to them
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”