* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
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I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Pat is about to own someone
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Yoga Matt
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.