Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

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my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it


Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.


I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.


*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”


Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*


DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman


Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.



Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.