Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc