Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
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According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?