Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
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marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.