Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
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It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.