Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
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Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes