PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
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Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
それは草
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”