Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
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This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Same post same
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.