Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
an airline just for babies.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
British websites use biscuits.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO