Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
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[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
This squirrel eats better than I do
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG