Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

Hey i am sexy to you now

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.