Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
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I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
And they lived apathetically ever after.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes