Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
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I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?