Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
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I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?