Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
You better wish for more oil
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
these two trucks have the same bed length
