Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
he chose this
March 16
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
🤣🤣🤣
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.