If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
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I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.