“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.