Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
You Might Also Like
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh