[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?