[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
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At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.