[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
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Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee