[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
You wish you had this many chins.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.