[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.