Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
#SuperBowl
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
? 💀
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.