[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
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I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
ACED my prostate exam!
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.