[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
This made me chuckle.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?