*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
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They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
#Caturday
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.