Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.