*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for