*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
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First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
the Monday after daylight savings
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.