[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
What’s so funny?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game