*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips