*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
You Might Also Like
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair