*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
This hospital has everything
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
They grow up so quick
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
This pepper has seen some shit
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”