*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
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Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Sex so good you see dead people.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.