*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
You Might Also Like
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Thursday
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
just pretend nothing happened
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.