[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
When someone says you are so lazy
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
cats when you pet them too long:
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat