*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
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If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
OMG 🤣🤣
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids