*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers


Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US


Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.


CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.


Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”


[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”



Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early


This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.


I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.


Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.