*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
You Might Also Like
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I am a gravy boat captain
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: