@abbycohenwl

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

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@IamEnidColeslaw

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

@harikondabolu

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

@CovertAgentP

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

@stevedildarian

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

@daemonic3

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

@TheAlexNevil

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

@Dawn_M_

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

@AndyAsAdjective

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

@TheTweetOfGod

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.