Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
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Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
My dad teaching me to drive
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families