*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
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The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Yup
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.